An Open Letter To Monday Night Customers.

Dear People I Served Last Night,

I'd like to acknowledge certain etiquette rules. Don't talk to me while you are chewing. I'm happy to make a self-deprecating joke about my bad timing so you can chew and swallow before talking to me. Also, it is inappropriate to touch people you don't know. When I am walking by, try "Excuse me" or "Miss" or "Can we place a drink order?" before even thinking about touching me. Grab my arm at your own peril. I had to fight my every instinct not to shove your arm off me, and the fact that I even managed to smile at you was a triumph of costumer service that you did not deserve.

To the two gay gentleman ordering food and dirty martinis: I love you. You were lovely to talk to, you kept the drink orders coming, you tipped generously, and you let me know that you were having a great time. Thanks.

To the gentleman squatter: The reason I kept asking you if you need anything is because you had been sitting since 2:30 in the afternoon, it was 8:30 and all you had ordered was a single glass of orange juice while typing away at your computer. Now, you are in the lobby of a hotel so I get that it's not a proper restaurant/bar. Still. Think for two seconds, OJ Stingeson, and you'll realize my point. When other costumers see you not ordering and not getting kicked out, or even the dirty eye, they might follow suit. My humble suggestion for people really settling into their spot : For every 2 hours at least, buy something. A soda, a snack, and if you're feeling generous, an alcoholic beverage. Me coming over to refresh your water glass every time you wave at me is time spent not paying attention to costumers who are actually going to help me make money. Screw you and your fresh squeezed juice.

To the couple drinking gimlets as I was ending my shift: Thanks for the extra tip. I later learned that after transferring your check to my coworker I still got a cut of his tip pool. Those extra 5 bucks you slipped me were unnecessary, it turns out. But your generosity of spirit will not go unnoticed by the world.

Finally, to everyone who bumped into me, especially the large gentleman with the rolling suitcase : Places where food and drinks are being brought to people by people demand an awareness of spacial relations. When you rammed into me with your luggage, I almost fell onto the couple whose order I was taking. If I had been carrying a tray, all three of us would have worn its contents. You didn't even look back and apologize. You knocked the wind out of me and my costumers noticed that I was in pain. You suck, sir.

Love,

Underemployed