Serving Breakfast Makes Me Whiny.

Several people I work with at the restaurant have noticed that I have "good attention to detail," but its really hard to be detailed oriented while doing side work at 6:45 AM. Seriously.

See, the thing is, I'll forget to do something, and then my manager will be like- "You didn't fully set up the ice machine," and I'll just shrug and tell the truth, "Sorry I forgot." I don't like having to say that multiple times a shift because it's just not like me, but the thing is I have trouble using the entire 10% of my brain that I'm physically capable of at 7 AM. I've got the remembering to smile and remembering people's orders down cold at any hour, but remembering that the red bucket goes to the sink, the silver one under the ice machine and the glass container gets 7 bags of granola all before I've even been awake long enough to want a coffee???

The bitter irony is, when I get corrected I only remember about half of the instructions- only during breakfast shifts do I ask the same questions and/or make the same mistakes twice. You want me to get something done right, tell me how to do it after 9 AM. Or hey, I heard of these things called spreadsheets that can make for good checklisting! I never thought I'd ever see the day when I would kill for a checklist, readers, but that day came. Yesterday.

Other annoying things about breakfast:
-You can't wear headphones while you're in the prep kitchen pouring fresh squeezed juices into pitchers for service because "it's too dangerous." I get it, but the side station is far away from knives and ovens, and its so freaking early that if I need a little Paul Simon to help me ease into the day, I should be allowed.
-You get really hungry around 11 AM and there's absolutely nothing you can do about since you're the only server on the floor so your "breaks" are basically stepping into the kitchen for a glass of water, handful of potato chips or bite of toast some friendly cook made for you.
-Customers are prickly since they're decaffeinated and everybody has a specific way they like their toast or their muffin or their whatever they want.

On the plus side, the breakfast menu is really expensive, so if there is enough activity you can make great money. A family of four can easily hit $75 for their meal and lattes and orange juices and chocolate milks. And its a chilled out service. You're never hustling like you are at happy hour, and sometimes the money rivals it. My schedule is going to get finalized in the next few weeks, should I take any breakfasts?

How Much Would This Best Man Have To Pay You?

This morning's daily Craigslist fix had a job posting that makes me hate affianced American men:

Need Cute Topless Female Poker Dealer and Bartender Friday Night (Chelsea)

We are a group of laid back young professionals who are getting together to celebrate an upcoming marriage of one of our closest friends. We are looking for two girls who are willing to be our dealer for our poker game and our bartender while we play. No poker/bartending experience is necessary. The one stipulation is that you are willing to be topless and wear boy shorts or something similar. We are a group of guys in our twenties who are just looking to have fun - nothing creepy. We are willing to pay $70 per hour plus tips from 10:30 - 1:00 on Friday Night. The rate is negotiable. Please send pics or email back if interested and we can talk on the phone.

• Compensation: $70 per hour plus tips, rate is negotiable
• This is a part-time job.

Ugh, everything about this irks me. Don't worry, chickaboo, we're professionals! C'mon pleeeeaaaasse, this is not just a friend but one of our closest!!!!! See- it's just for fun, nothing creepy. But the kicker is for $210 base plus tips you could work a good night shift at a restaurant where you're allowed to keep your clothes on. Funny how that works.

What a bunch of assholes. And without any bartending experience those drinks will taste like crap.

Things Underemployed People Shouldn't Do Include: International Drug Smuggling.

I have just started reading a fascinating book by Sandra Gregory, who at age 27 got arrested for attempting to smuggle heroin out of Thailand into Japan. This book, along with overdosing (bad pun intended) on the National Geographic tv show "Locked Up: Abroad" has taught me one valuable lesson about underemployment. It is far better to be underemployed than locked up in a prison, particularly if that prison is in: Venezuela, Peru, or Thailand. No matter what the drug dealer tells you, you will never have a pleasant all-expenses paid holiday. No matter how many times he tells you he's done this, they will try to make you carry more than you intended and do something really stupid like sew kilo upon kilo into your suitcase. And going to jail will be horrible.

I'd Apply But I Have Karaokephobia.

To all underemployed actors-

Do you like being in front of people? Do you like being at bars? Do you like watching people sing?

Then you should be a karaoke host. According to this job posting, you earn $25 per hour ($100-$200) per shift plus performance bonuses. I assume this bonus means you perform and do good?

And the best part? It can be your full-time gig.

When Work Gets You Down, Watch Cartoons.

Pinky And The Brain, "Am I the only one who makes coffee around here?"




Rocko's Modern Life, "I could do that!"



Family Guy, "I get involved?"



Hey Arnold!, "Ok, if you insist."

Everyone Loves An Alpha Male in Uniform.

At Penn Station today, I heard one of my favorite public service announcements, and one of the few whose words of wisdom I sometimes need a reminder to heed. Do Not Pet The Homeland Security Dogs. They are trained, they are not your friends : The Onion ran an amazing piece about these dogs back in '03. Even though the novelty of these hard-working four-legged civil servants has worn off, there is still no getting used to the unbelievable adorableness of a beagle in a windbreaker
.

Get Paid To Drink And Do Drugs? Umm....

Check out this ad from the etc. section of Craigslist titled: "Do you drink several times a week?"

Female moderate drinkers (ages 21-45) needed for a research study testing the effects of common medications and alcohol on mood and performance. 7 sessions (8:30 am-3:30 pm). Cannot be on hormonal contraceptives. Call (212) 543-6623, -5707, -5126. Confidential.

Earn $800-1,100


That's a lot of money! I imagine tiki cups with umbrellas, cocktail waitresses in little lab coats and tapas plates of advil. Bummer I don't qualify. Fellow underemployed ladies of NYC, getting paid to engage in potentially risky behavior seems like a fun way to make a buck, huh?

I Do It For Truth.

As always on the hunt for a quick buck, this weekend marks my first foray into being a scientific test subject aka paid guinea pig. Lured by its name dropping of the Magic Eye pictures, which I have loved since elementary school, I responded to this ad on Craigslist.

The participation contract I signed called the experiment a "Pavlovian visual perception experiment," so I was deeply relieved that no electrodes were taped to my head nor were there any bells in the room. Basically over the course of three hours spread over two days, I sat with paper red/green glasses and hit buttons on a small keypad. I had to respond to the computer-rendered 3-d spheres and cubes and not what direction they were spinning by tracking a moving dot across the screen. The kicker was that I was siting only 1 ft. away from a giant film screen in a pitch-black lab with no clock. There were 4 blocks of 120 images to be evaluated, and the testee was in control of the pacing. My first effort took 2 hours- twice as long as the average participant. I was taking a long time between images...my eyes were dry, achey and throbbing. I was actually so bored I was singing to myself to pass the time. (However, when asked if I ever lost focus I said "Not really.") When the woman running the test came in to check on me and told me I had been in there for 2 hours I was stunned. I was completely unaware of time passing. I was surprised to be invited back the next day seeing as I was such an eye sloth. Day 2 was basically day one repeated, but my eyes held up better and I finished the sequence in about an hour.

The PhD running the test eventually told me that it was not about my eyesight at all, but rather about the snap judgements the brain makes about optical illusions. Glad to do my part. May it get her published. Total earned : $60 including the re-imbursed commutes. Not to shabby- I don't normally bill out at $20/hour.

PS- the Magic Eye website is so poorly designed but there is some fun content.



For those of you who are having trouble with the image above- try to unfocus your eyes. And know that the above image is host to a 3-D slice of pizza. See it yet?

I Don't Like How You're Living My Life. A Horror Flick.

This video will give you nightmares. Aired on May 17, 2010.

Rated PA-22. Parental Assistance strongly recommended for people above the ages of 22.

Who Are You Calling An Oxymoron, Pal?

Inspired by not getting an arts job I was hoping-but-not-expecting to get (I don't even want to talk about the fact that I easily earn more in the restaurant industry than I would at this job), I turned back to Craigslist as a source of both comfort and aid. Gained? A job interview at a cool Brooklyn restaurant lined up for Saturday afternoon. Learned? Check this out:

Fine Dining Servers Needed At Yankee Stadium

Apparently there's a steakhouse inside Yankee Stadium. Who knew? But what I love about this post is its amazingly subtle prefaces. When applying to any restaurant, you want to make sure its a busy one. Since servers in New York City earn below minimum wage (usually $4.65/hour), your compenstation is almost entirely based on tips. More people in a night = more tips.

The steakhouse describes itself as "one of the most in-demand restaurants in NYC" "on game days." Broad claim, but I'm willing to believe they do brisk business on nights when the home team is...home. But the ad also claims that this is a great job for those "looking for a career." But tell me, Yankee Steak Slingers, how could I have a career if your business is based on whether or not people are at the stadium? I mean, forgetting the fact that sometimes the Yanks play away, I hear tell of something called an off-season. Unless hanging out in the South Bronx at desolate ball fields is the new hanging out in repurposed Brooklyn warehouses.

Do You Have What It Takes? (jk jk of course you don't)

Job seekers, have you ever felt worse about yourself after reading the desired traits portion of a want ad? I certainly have.

And so has Kristina Loew of McSweeney's. I've pasted her amazing entry from 4/21 below. My favorite quote is way at the bottom : This is a great opportunity to gain more experience. Only experienced candidates should apply.

Preach, Sister, preach!

A GREAT JOB
OPPORTUNITY!

BY KRISTINA LOEW

- - - -

SEEKING ENTRY-LEVEL NEWS PRODUCTION SPECIALIST

Local news channel looking for a dedicated multi-tasker to work in our news division. This is a great opportunity to gain experience in a fast-paced news environment. Only serious candidates with experience should apply.

You should be exceptional, a well-organized self-starter with superior skills in ALL aspects of news production.

Ideal candidate will oversee our entire slate of daily news programming including, but not limited to, our seven-hour morning show, the Live at Noon broadcast and all eighteen evening newscasts.

Applicant will also be expected to manage all news breaks and all breaking news coverage, as well as the online site and the Accounts Payable department.

Candidate will also be responsible for the promotion and marketing of ALL news programming for the channel.

Flexibility and willingness to work under pressure in a chaotic news environment with ever-changing responsibilities and deadlines a MUST.

Must be available at least 80 hours a week and able to work most weekends and all major holidays.

This is a non-paying internship.

Great opportunity to get your foot in the door and gain news experience.

REQUIREMENTS:

• A minimum of ten years experience.

• At least seven years working on a nationally televised news or reality program in a senior position.

• At least three years working at a print publication. Celebrity weekly preferred, but not required. Senior writing position at the New York Times and/or Us Weekly, a plus.

• Strong background in entertainment, marketing AND accounting preferred. Background in news, a plus.

• Extensive experience researching compelling stories, prepping anchors and booking news guests.

• Candidate should feel comfortable handling celebrity talent, even if they are throwing things and threaten to kill you.

• Will also expected to manage office and order all office supplies.

• Ideal candidate MUST have extensive contacts in media, politics AND entertainment. Your Rolodex should include major industry players.

• You MUST have strong ability to write, direct, and edit all news segments. Will be expected to produce riveting news pieces consistent with the voice of the channel.

• Light filing.

• Intern must possess superior conceptual and editorial skills. Since ALL ideas will come from you be prepared to pitch and develop EVERY segment for EVERY broadcast.

• MUST be able to type at least 350 WPM. You will be tested!

• You will be expected to transcribe ALL raw news footage sent in from our affiliates.

• HTML experience REQUIRED. Candidate will be expected to write and post eight-to-ten 2000 word articles per day for our online site, including weekends and ALL major holidays.

• Candidate should be an expert in ALL forms of social media and have a MINIMUM of 50,000 Twitter followers.

• Extensive experience as a cameraperson a MUST. At least four years on a reality show considered a plus. Three years at an Arabic news channel is REQUIRED.

• Intern MUST have own camera equipment. With bonded insurance. Must also have lighting package and lavelier microphones for field shoots.

• Ideal candidate should also be able impress executives with his/her ability to expertly handle company's espresso machine.

• Exceptional understanding of new production, post-production and graphic software including Avid, Final Cut, Photoshop, After Effects and software that is still in it's developmental stages.

• Please do not apply unless you have ALL pertinent software.

• Driver's License preferred.

• CDL Commercial truck license a MUST. You will be required to have your own commercial truck for location shoots. You may also rent a commercial truck at your own expense.

• Some international travel is required for this position. Please make sure you have substantial miles in your mileage account or can pay your own way.

• Ability to handle daily mail and answer phones. You will occasionally be expected to fill in for the receptionist during her lunch hour.

EDUCATION:

• Bachelor degrees in communication, new media AND political science required. Masters Degree in Filmmaking preferred. PH.D in Journalism, a plus. Candidates with a law degree will be given special consideration.

• Ideal candidate MUST be fluent in Spanish and have a working knowledge of Arabic and Mandarin Chinese.

• If you do not meet these requirements your resume will NOT be considered.

This position has tremendous growth opportunity. May lead to full-time employment with possible entry-level pay or occasional freelance work.

Sorry, we do not offer health benefits to ANY of our employees under ANY circumstances.

This position requires someone who is completely dedicated. We are NOT looking for college students or people who are currently in a career "transition."

This is a great opportunity to gain more experience. Only experienced candidates should apply.

We have received thousands of applications for this position. Due to the overwhelming interest we CANNOT guarantee a response to your inquiry.

We apologize in advance.

Guess What! I'd Really Rather Work At The Restaurant.

My daily does of Craigslist has had two satisfying results today. Result 1 : Learning one of my favorite music venues is hiring servers. Hello, second job, is that you? Result 2 : Yet again, I'm reminded why working at the restaurant is positively luxurious.

Disgusting Job Of The Week? Nauseating Clinical Trials!

The job itself is to participate in a research survey testing the efficacy of a topical ointment to treat toe nail fungus. The catch? In order to be a paid participant you have to have been diagnosed by a real physician with toe nail fungus. That's compensation up to $600 I'm proud to kiss good bye.

But even worse? Not the job opening, but for all those patients whose nasty toes are in this trial, there's got to be some poor soul dipping q-tips in ointment and being near people's yucky toes. And then filling out sheets and sheets of questionnaires about...toe fungus and ointment. Gross.

I'd Rather Work At The Restaurant. Part I.

A couple days back, in the first of what promises to be many odes to Craigslist, I posted what struck me as an absurd and disgusting ad that I retitled Remove Lice from the Heads of Small Children!

The actual post read as follows:

Title: Head lice removal technician- $30 per hour (in and around NYC & Westchester)

A head lice removal service is now searching for more technicians. This job is contractor based only. You will be paid only for hours worked. This is not a part time job or full time job with benefits. This is only a great way to supplement existing income or earn money on the side. Students welcome to apply.

All candidates must be highly presentable, clean, drug-free, organized, intelligent, patient, discreet, and able to travel around the NYC area with ease and be familiar with the public transportation system.

We are looking for people who enjoy working with people and children and who are willing to put in that extra effort to ensure excellent customer service. Candidates must be able to stand for long periods of time on their feet and have the ability to pay great attention to detail and be on time to all appointments.

You must be flexible and willing to be on call as we never know when calls will come in until the day of. Day, evening, and weekend hours a possibility. All candidates will be background checked.

Send your resume with contact information along with a brief description about yourself and your availability.

Experience with hair a plus but not a requirement. We are willing to train. Training time is not paid. Send resume and contact info and a brief description about yourself.


Apparently, there is an untapped market of parents too squeamish to go to the pharmacy, buy combs and anti-lice goo and de-lice their icky kids themselves. Check out this New York Times article about Sylvia Trejo, lice killer extraordinaire. Who knows, fellow job seekers, maybe this Craigslist post is really the golden ticket!